Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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