sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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