oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
