Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
