my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
