My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
