Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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