Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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