she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm always down for nudity.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
