I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
