There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
