do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
