Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
