dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
