Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
