I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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