The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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