Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
God, I missed his penis.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
