i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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