if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.