Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
