NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
