I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
