sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
