she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I would fuck him just for his dog
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
