I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
