my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
