You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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