I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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