So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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