I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
