I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
