You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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