she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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