Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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