You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
