id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
