Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
