I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
