At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
