my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
