When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
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She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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