Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
