I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
