guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
