phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
