Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
