Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
