I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
