I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
