I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
