Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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