did you get engaged???
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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