I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
