my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize