found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
