OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
