I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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