my phone needs a breathalizer
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
