i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just gift wrapped bread.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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