I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
